why is recovery so hard?

Why? why is it so hard to eat 3 meals a day. It shouldn't be so hard. Why do i feel so much guilt and that it is my fault that my body is the way it is. When logically i kow it is because of the PCOS. But there is this voice in my head screaming that it is my fault everytime i eat or even thinking about eating.

Our dress code at work changed. I was so incredibly excited that i would be able to wear my old scrubs. That was until i tried them on. And reality hit that most of them were too small. major trigger. i just want to lose weight so i can wear them. I don't care how i lose it. I just want it gone. SO i can wear the old scrubs. In therapy they tell us to get rid of our sick clothes. To make something out of them. I don't want to make something out of them. I want to wear them. I loved these scrubs. They represented my personality. The things that i loved. Bright colors, pinks and purples all the girly colors that i really haven't been able to wear for 3 years.

I feel guilty that i can not manage to accomplish my goals for a or s or m. i feel so anxious everytime i go there. I know they are trying to break through me and nothing is working at this point. I don't even know what would help. I started panicing when s told me that i was no where close to where i needed to be calorie wise. I started thinking about how uncomfortable it will be to eat everything again. Scared that i will lose control. Scared that i will start gaining weight again.

Day trip to Chi town

Tuesday i took hannah and ben to chicago. We had an awesome time going to Shedd Aquarium, Rain Forrest Cafe and American Girl. Quite a few firsts for all 3 of us. For me it was the first time at Shedd Aquarium, Rain Forrest Cafe and not to mention driving in Chicago. The kids had never been to Chicago. Shedd was amazing. Never knew how many different types and colors of fish there were. We were a little disappointed that the river otter was hiding. But who couldreally blame him with 10 preschool age campers attacking the window where he lived.

After going to Shedd we made our way down to Michigan Avenue on the city bus. Yes this country girl managed to ride the bus without getting lost. We had lunch at the Rain Forrest cafe. Such a cool restaurant. Hannah got a little creeped out with the talking tree. Neither one of us was expecting that. We were looking at stuffed animals and all of a sudden a tree next to us started talking. Weird. I thought all the different jungle sounds were pretty neat while we were eating.

And then what trip to chicago with a 7 year old little girl is complete without a trip to the American Girl store? Especially when you are informed by the 7 year that chicago is where the American Girl store and she doesn't have an American girl doll and her sisters both have one. I mean I had to rectify that situation immediately. I think i had more fun watching Hannah's facial expressions at all the dolls and doll accessories than anything. Her whole face lit up when we walked in. This little girl had no clue what was in store for her. Completely worth all the money i spent on her :) After all i have pretty much given up alll hope of my siblings ever giving me a little neice to spoil. So i am taking advantage of my bestie's little girls.

And then we finished up the day at Kristin's house. Fun times getting caught up with her. We haven't seen each other since April ( i think). The kids watched Shrek while we talked.

And another good thing about the whole day was it was ED free day :) Which was amazing. I was able to really be present and enjoy the entire day. And see the experiences through the kids eyes. I can not wait for another little day trip.

me vs the swim suit

Dear Swimsuit and pool;
Can we please come to a truce? You see i really do like to go swimming and I love the feel of the hot summer sun. But for some odd reason when the 3 of us get together you guys love to play games with my mind. I know for a fact you swimming suit have not shrunk and i have not gotten bigger. As a matter of fact i weigh less now than i did last summer when i was fine with you. So please can we call a truce for the rest of the summer? I would love to enjoy swimming and playing in you mr. pool with 4 kids that i love and adore and i know they feel the same way about me. And besides that they don't care about how i look in you mr swimming suit.

thanks
kat

adoption day

Oh Chloe i am so excited that you have been part of my life for 3 years now. I can't believe that yesterday was your adoption day. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember going to the humane society thinking that i was going to get a 1 or 2 year old doggie. And you and your sister were in a corner kennel together. You were the obnoxious one. Crying, barking and climbing up the kennel walls every time you saw me. I got the message that you picked me to be your mommy. That should of been my first clue of things to come! lol. That night Hannah and Yvonne and i came to see you to make sure you would get along with Hannah she was only 4 at the time. And since that time you two have been the best of buddies. The next day i got to take you home. Auntie Sara had a graduation party that afternoon. So that was the first place you went! Auntie Sara was holding you and loving on you when you peed on her. Grandpa and i fought over whether or not you were really mine. Everyone else was laughing they could definately tell with your brand new pink collar and leash that you were mine. You have definately been a good source of entertainment for me. You have some pretty crazy antics my love. Oh it is impressive that you can open the lid of the toilet to get a drink, your appetite girlie is quite impressive. There have been so many times i wander if you have an eating disorder just like your mommy. Except you would have binge eating. I have wandered if you should really go to the Wednesday night support group with me. Everyone laughs that you are such a lap dog considering you are so big and i am so short. But mommy loves it when you lay on me and give me your wet puppy kisses. I also love it when you sneak into my bed when i am fast asleep and lay on my back. I never notice when you climb up actually jump up until i try to roll over and can't! I love it when you lick the tears off my face when i cry. I love it when you snuggle with me. I love playing fetch with you and watching you catch the ball. I love it when you bring me each of your toys one by one to me. I love you so much my cute baby girl. I can't wait to see what antics you have instore for me this next year. hmm i wander if you will figure out that you can open the fridge. I hope not. Cause pretty soon Sab and Amy won't accept the explanaion that you ate my bread and snacks and that is why i haven't had any all week!

The new and already neglected blog

I know i have been neglecting my blog already. So much has been happening in the last few weeks. Part of which won't go on this blog. The other part why not. I have been really struggling with the whole eating disorder and depression. The last few weeks i haven't really cared too much about eating and keeping myself healthy. The only things that make me feel better is getting lost in my books and exercising. I am frustrated with myself and not even really sure i can pull myself out of this. Most days right now i just want to hide from the world and sleep.

I did have an awesome Saturday a few weeks ago with my friend Kristin. We were able to make a short trip to Amish land. We had so much fun trying to buy everything out of Beachie's. I love Amish food. I got some green bean crisps, mixed vegetable crisps and sweet potato chips. Along with homemade bread and pumpkin whoopie pies. yummy. We then went to the Slaughter House and i bought german bolognia, brats, and hamburger. And we finished our trip at the outlet mall.

I am so excited about Easter. It will be the first Sunday in almost 2 months that i will be off. I have really missed my church family lately. I have missed seeing everyone and getting all the hugs. I can't wait to spoil 4 kids with easter baskets. It is so much fun just to make the baskets. And of course Chloe girl will get an Easter basket. I already bought her some treats for it. Next will be a couple of new toys for my poor puppy.

A HInt of Spring in the Air

I was on call today for 8 hours and luckily didn't get called in. Plus it was a beautiful day the first in a long time. So i decided to take full advantage of the day. Chloe and I went for a 3 mile walk in a nearby park after I went to the gym for body combat. I bought Chloe, who is a very energetic dog, a doggy backpack and put weights in it to slow her down. Thanks to Aunt Laurel for the idea :) It was amazing, Chloe was actually able to walk like a good dog for once. She was actually pretty tired the rest of the day. Chloe hated the backpack while i absolutely loved it. It was quite an enjoyable walk. The park was beautiful and i am looking forward to more walks. There was still a thin layer of ice on the lake but by the dam you could see the water going down it. I will post a few pictures later.


I also was able to spend the evening with my best friend and her family. Her husband grilled out hamburgers. It was nice to get caught up with everything from the last few weeks. I had a blast playing with the kiddos. And getting lots of snuggles with H.

My first blog

I have gotten on the blog bandwagon! This blog is going to be about what all is going on in my life. I am a nurse on a mommy and baby unit. And i absolutely love it. I knew i wanted to be a nurse my whole life. When i was 16 i started working in a nursing home passing ice water and making beds. I loved all the relationships with the residents. After high school i became a certified nurses aide and continued on to nursing school. Nursing school was one of the hardest things i have ever done in my life. But I am so glad that i made it. After nursing school i worked on a med-surg unit for 18 months and then went over to take care of new moms and their sassy but oh so adorable newborn.

I adopted a black lab mix named Chloe Grace almost 3 years ago. She provides me with endless entertainment. I had to give her a middle name so she would really know when she is in trouble.. When i am yelling at her it is more effective when i use all 3 of her names.

I started training for my first 5k ever last week. I am using Couch to 5K podcast on my ipod. So far it is going good. Today i start week 2. A little nervous about it. For those of you who know me know i am not a runner. I am not sure if i can even run 1/4 of a mile at this point. But i am going to try it. I have also been going to the gym quite a bit and it has been so fun. This week i have been to bodycombat, bodypump and tonight i am going to pilates along with running and walking every other day.