It has been a week since i started following my meal plan completely. I will be honest. i really didn't want to. Ed keeps telling me that i will get fatter if i keep eating. I am really trying to trust A and S. But the labs prove my body can't keep going with ed. Ed just causes damage to my body. So i am eating my 3 meals and snacks and working on keeping ed out of my life. And taking my meds. doing everything i can do to recover. It is the hardest thing i have ever done (next to nursing school).
I think depression has been hitting me hard the last few weeks. On my days off i just want to sleep all day. You know it is bad when i don't even want to crochet or read a book. I am really hoping this goes away and soon. Depression is cramping my style. i have way to much to do to be depressed.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Ed Sucks and so does PCOS
Hey Friends
i am so frustrated right now. the last 6 months have been really rough ED wise. And now my body can't handle anymore. I went to the doctor last week after having my blood taken and it wasn't so good. My blood sugars really spiked up in the last 3 months. And now the doctor wants me to go off the abilify for depression and obcessive thoughts. So we came up with a compromise that i would start taking metformin. again. I hate that medication with a passion. It makes you feel like you have the flu 24/7. Not only that but my vitamin d level dropped despite being on prescription strength vitamin d. Sometimes i wish i could get a break with something. why do i have to struggle with everything? It is so hard to manage an eating disorder and pcos. As if that wasn't enough to mess with my eating disordered mind i also gained weight :( which has been messing with my mind alot. I am exhausted mentally and phsyically trying to do everythng i am supposed to do with recovery. SO i think it is time for a visit with amy the dietician and work on a meal plan that will help get some of my blood levels back where they should be. So i am giving up ed. i am doing it amy and sabra's way. After all all you do is cause me more pain and make me more exhausted. I want to learn who i really am. i have a few glimpses of that person and she seems like a lot of fun :)
I am now working one day a week in the breastfeeding clinic. And guess what?! i absolutely love it! It is one of the most rewarding things in my life to see a baby successfully breastfeed and to see the pride in a mom's face. It is so cool to have the knowledge to know what to look for when breastfeeding isn't going so well and to be able to problem solve with the mom.
Well i think that is it friends. sorry it has been so long since the last blog.
i am so frustrated right now. the last 6 months have been really rough ED wise. And now my body can't handle anymore. I went to the doctor last week after having my blood taken and it wasn't so good. My blood sugars really spiked up in the last 3 months. And now the doctor wants me to go off the abilify for depression and obcessive thoughts. So we came up with a compromise that i would start taking metformin. again. I hate that medication with a passion. It makes you feel like you have the flu 24/7. Not only that but my vitamin d level dropped despite being on prescription strength vitamin d. Sometimes i wish i could get a break with something. why do i have to struggle with everything? It is so hard to manage an eating disorder and pcos. As if that wasn't enough to mess with my eating disordered mind i also gained weight :( which has been messing with my mind alot. I am exhausted mentally and phsyically trying to do everythng i am supposed to do with recovery. SO i think it is time for a visit with amy the dietician and work on a meal plan that will help get some of my blood levels back where they should be. So i am giving up ed. i am doing it amy and sabra's way. After all all you do is cause me more pain and make me more exhausted. I want to learn who i really am. i have a few glimpses of that person and she seems like a lot of fun :)
I am now working one day a week in the breastfeeding clinic. And guess what?! i absolutely love it! It is one of the most rewarding things in my life to see a baby successfully breastfeed and to see the pride in a mom's face. It is so cool to have the knowledge to know what to look for when breastfeeding isn't going so well and to be able to problem solve with the mom.
Well i think that is it friends. sorry it has been so long since the last blog.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
15 years
15 years ago today Jonthon and Richard died. We were only 14. I remember it was a Tuesday. (or at least i think it was a Tuesday) We had just been to freshman orientation that morning. That evening i went to marching band practice with my sisters. I remember walking up to the high school gym and thought it was strange that there was no one there but a teacher. Then we were told the awful news. There had been a bad car accident that afternoon. Jonathon and Richard were in it. Richard had already been pronounced dead. Jonathon was on life support. I immediately started praying that Jonathon would be okay. But by the time i had found out about it he was already gone. I mean we were only 14 how could this be happening? This wasn't supposed to happen. We were supposed to start high school next week. I had been in school with them since kindergarden. My locker was between them for a lot of grade school. Richard was only 1 week younger than me. We spent lots of recesses playing kickball. They were really good at it. I sucked but i didn't care. I was in shock. Their funeral was in the middle school gym. I went in shock. I don't even remember crying. i just kept thinking how could this happen? i had just seen them a few hours before. I heard the sirens of the ambulance and police coming for them. How could they be gone.
15 years later and it still hurts that they are gone. I thought of them the day that we started high school. Everyday that i walked by their lockers and saw the signs of how we missed them. The memorial in our year book for them. I thought of them the day we graduated from high school and at our 10 year high school reunion in November. And lots of days in between. It was so strange not to see them at school. I mean i had seen them every day from kindergarden through 8th grade. I can't believe that they have been gone 15 years.
Miss you tons jonathon and richard.
15 years later and it still hurts that they are gone. I thought of them the day that we started high school. Everyday that i walked by their lockers and saw the signs of how we missed them. The memorial in our year book for them. I thought of them the day we graduated from high school and at our 10 year high school reunion in November. And lots of days in between. It was so strange not to see them at school. I mean i had seen them every day from kindergarden through 8th grade. I can't believe that they have been gone 15 years.
Miss you tons jonathon and richard.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Cupcake Hat
Crocheting has always been a favorite activity of mine. Especially when i am anxious like i have been lately. There is nothing like seeing a skein of yarn take shape into a creation. Crocheting is quite relaxing for me. It is soothing to make the same movements over and over. And I love the softness of the yarn. So tonight after work i made a cupcake hat. My friend Brooke was telling me about a cupcake hat she had seen yesterday and i thought it would be fun to make.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Summertime Happenings
To be honest i can not believe we are in August already. It doesn't seem possible. So my dear friends this is what i have been up to this incredible summer. May Started out with the Susan G Komen Walk for the Cure. It was an amazing walk with my mom, Alicia, Jean, Sara, and Curt. It was made very special that all 4 of us kids were able to do this with my mom who is a breast cancer survivor! We also walked in memory of 3 incredible fighters Sue Voges, Katie Voges and Marilyn Walters. Sue was definately on my mind the entire day. We love and miss you so much Sue!
There was approximately 20,000 people who turned out for this walk. It was a very emotional day. Mom had made us t-shirts with butterflies flying to heaven in honor of Sue. Sue had picked out butterflies for the covers of her programs for her funeral. Sue had also picked the music for her funeral and one of the songs she chose was Melissa Etheridge Run for life. Every year at the run walk they chose a song to dedicate to all the survivors and this year they chose Run for Life. I almost lost it at that moment.
This summer also brought a new record for me in my recovery from eating disorders. I made it 5 1/2 months without using symptoms before i had bump in the road. I am slowly getting myself back on the road. Which has not been easy. I was quite upset with myself for going back to using symptoms. And every time i go back it just makes it alot harder to stop. But i am stopping. I will fight this and win. The eating disorder won't win. My anxiety has been awful. I feel anxious pretty much every time i eat for a couple of hours afterwards. And sometimes i wonder if all this anxiety will ever stop. I also haven't been able to sleep through the night in months. Most of the time i fall asleep pretty easily. i just can't stay asleep. i will sleep 2-3 hours and then wake up toss and turn fall back asleep and repeat in an hour or 2. I have had some really bad nights of waking up every hour. and feeling yep you guessed it anxious.
This summer has brought a new job for me!!! I am finishing up my last week of orientation as a Lactation Consultant!!! I will work one day a week in the breastfeeding clinic and then work the other 2 days a week in postpartum and newborn nursery. So far i absolutely love the clinic. I love being able to continue helping the moms i see in the hospital. I also love seeing how much the babies continue to change in their first few weeks of life. It is truly an amazing job in helping these new mamas gain confidence in feeding their new baby.
The summer has also brought my favorite activity of swimming and summertime BBQs with good friends. We are all so busy that we definately don't get together as much as we should. And when we do it is wonderful. i just wish it lasted longer.
Hope you all are having a wonderful summer!
There was approximately 20,000 people who turned out for this walk. It was a very emotional day. Mom had made us t-shirts with butterflies flying to heaven in honor of Sue. Sue had picked out butterflies for the covers of her programs for her funeral. Sue had also picked the music for her funeral and one of the songs she chose was Melissa Etheridge Run for life. Every year at the run walk they chose a song to dedicate to all the survivors and this year they chose Run for Life. I almost lost it at that moment.This summer also brought a new record for me in my recovery from eating disorders. I made it 5 1/2 months without using symptoms before i had bump in the road. I am slowly getting myself back on the road. Which has not been easy. I was quite upset with myself for going back to using symptoms. And every time i go back it just makes it alot harder to stop. But i am stopping. I will fight this and win. The eating disorder won't win. My anxiety has been awful. I feel anxious pretty much every time i eat for a couple of hours afterwards. And sometimes i wonder if all this anxiety will ever stop. I also haven't been able to sleep through the night in months. Most of the time i fall asleep pretty easily. i just can't stay asleep. i will sleep 2-3 hours and then wake up toss and turn fall back asleep and repeat in an hour or 2. I have had some really bad nights of waking up every hour. and feeling yep you guessed it anxious.
This summer has brought a new job for me!!! I am finishing up my last week of orientation as a Lactation Consultant!!! I will work one day a week in the breastfeeding clinic and then work the other 2 days a week in postpartum and newborn nursery. So far i absolutely love the clinic. I love being able to continue helping the moms i see in the hospital. I also love seeing how much the babies continue to change in their first few weeks of life. It is truly an amazing job in helping these new mamas gain confidence in feeding their new baby.
The summer has also brought my favorite activity of swimming and summertime BBQs with good friends. We are all so busy that we definately don't get together as much as we should. And when we do it is wonderful. i just wish it lasted longer.
Hope you all are having a wonderful summer!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Happy Nurses Day!!!!
Its Nurses day 2011. Tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary of me graduating from nursing school. Being a nurse is the hardest job in the world. It is the most amazing job in the world. A job i absolutely love. As it is nurses day i am thinking about all the people that i have taken care of and how they have touched me and made me who i am today. I consider it a privelage that they allowed me to be there in the first days of their child's life. I consider it a privelage to be there when a patient dies. 12 years i began my career in nursing passing ice water and making beds in a little nursing home. In these 12 years i have worked in ob, psych and med-surg. Learning everything i possibly can and applying it in my everyday life. i think each and everyone of them for allowing me to have the privelage to be in their life for that short little bit.
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